To Tell the Truth

Have you ever been in or observed an automobile accident? Many people have. Insurance companies try to get as many firsthand accounts of the accident as possible because they know that there will be as many different accounts as there are observations. This reduces their financial culpability in the matter.

While there are very specific facts that surround any event, including accidents (i.e., how fast the cars were moving, who was at fault, did they try to avoid the accident, etc.), our perceptions of what we witnessed are based on our past histories, beliefs, expectations, attitudes, and prejudices. These may be so ingrained that we don’t realize that our report of what we observed differed ever so slightly or grossly from what actually occurred. Multiply this by the number of people observing the accident and it’s easy to see why there is no consensus of reports and the truth is completely blurred. Not one person may actually report the facts accurately.

Unfortunately, our beliefs, attitudes, expectations, and prejudices also color our perceptions of the reality of our lives and obliterate the truth of who we are and what we experience. This creates a lot of shoulds and should nots. "I should do this." "This should not happen to me." "He should do that for me." "She should not treat me that way." We should all over ourselves and our lives can get pretty stinky.

At any given moment, reality is what it is and cannot be changed. We can do things now that alter our future realities, but our lives will only be filled with stress and suffering if we argue with our present reality. Or as Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, says, “The only way we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what Is is what we want.” Too many forces are in play and too many events have transpired to bring us to our present condition. These events and forces cannot be changed and so neither can our reality. We can argue with or resent the forces and events that have created a reality different than what we wanted, but the effect is still the same. We suffer.

The only way to end our suffering and eliminate stress is to stop arguing with reality. That doesn’t mean that we give up hope for a better future. It just means that we accept things as they are, focus on the task before us, and prepare for a better tomorrow. We can also begin the process of challenging our belief statements to help end our present suffering and to keep from suffering in the future when our lives do not meet our expectations. Byron Katie offers a method for doing this which she refers to as The Work. The Work consists of three main questions, a turn around, and potentially two additional questions. Is it true? Can I absolutely know it’s true? Who would I be without that thought? A turn around that restates the original belief statement. Can I see a reason to drop the thought? Can I think of a stress-free reason for keeping the thought? Let me offer you an example to see how this process works.

Mary worked for a high powered marketing firm. Her boss gave her a project to create a marketing plan for a potential new client. Unfortunately, he provided her with some misinformation. When she finished the project the company was brought in and her boss presented the completed project to the client. Their response was, “This is great, but that’s not what we told you we wanted." Her boss was furious and verbally abused her in front of her co-workers. She had put a lot of hard work into the project and had expected to receive praise and quite possibly a bonus. Hurt and distraught, she tried to explain that the mistake was not hers, but his. This only infuriated him further. He threatened her with firing and he told her she should have checked his facts out before proceeding. She suffered and cried for days. She could not get over the abuse she suffered.

A friend who had done some work with me suggested she give me a call to see if I could help her. She did. Before describing the event that brought her to my door she called her boss a so-and-so jerk. I’ve cleaned up the words a little as they could be somewhat offensive to people. After describing every painful detail she could remember and crying through the entire explanation she finished with, “He shouldn’t treat me that way.” To which I replied, “Is that true?” “What do you mean? Is that true? Of course it’s true”, she replied. I then asked, "Does he treat your co-workers differently" (Can you absolutely know it’s true)? Of course he treated them just as poorly. At least his behaviors were consistent. She then stated that he shouldn’t treat them that way either. Again I asked, “Is that true?” She just looked at me in disbelief. I continued. “You called your boss a jerk when you first arrived. Describe a jerk to me.” She did; listing every one of her boss’s behaviors. It seems to me that he was being who he is, a jerk. And you were being who you were, a victim. (Who would you be without that thought?) She didn’t like that. “Have you ever tried to get him to change his behaviors?” “Yes it hasn’t worked in the two years I’ve worked there. In fact, I left a job where I was treated the same by my ex-boss.” I explained that we can’t change the jerks of the world (and there are a lot of them) and can only be concerned with how we react when we are verbally assaulted by them so we don’t become victims of their rude and crude behaviors.

At that point I had her do so some Breaths of Life, smile, and a little Relaxation Therapy before continuing. I then asked her to turn around her original statement, “He shouldn’t treat me that way.” With a little training she came up with, “My boss is a jerk that treats people rudely. I can either be victimized by his treatment or learn how not to take it personally. I am not a victim and deserve to be treated well. I will treat me well.” “Great”, I said. I then asked the other two questions. “Can you see a reason to drop that thought?" You don’t have to if you don’t want.” “Yes, if I continue to believe that he should treat me the way I want to be treated, knowing that he won't I know that I’ll only keep suffering. “Can you think of a stress-free reason for keeping the thought? Again, you don’t have to change.” “Absolutely not!” “Can you show me how not to take it personally so I don’t suffer any more?” “Yes.”

We then set about that process. Within a few weeks of reprogramming Mary was a force to be reckoned with. The next time her boss berated her (we knew he would), she stood there smiling and nodding her head. When he finished she thanked him for his wise words, turned and walked away. He was so stunned that she didn’t completely break down and start crying that he stood there for five minutes in a daze. Eventually word got back to his supervisors that he was verbally abusing his staff. He almost lost his job and was required to attend anger management classes. While that was a pleasant but unexpected surprise, it was not the intent of our consults. We were determined to help Mary deal with the jerks of the world without taking their abuse personally or emotional breaking down, all the while standing in her own truth knowing she deserved to be treated respectfully.

If your life has become stinky because of all the should in it, you may want to explore The Work to help you overcome the belief statements that create your stress and suffering. And if you need a hand, I am always here to help. Until next time, breathe, smile, relax, and tell the truth.