To be, or not to be...

For a long time I have been involved in the game of golf; first as a competitor, then coach, and finally as a Sport Psychologist. Today when I speak to golf groups, I feel I’m standing in front of a support group, like AA and have to admit my addiction. It usually gets a laugh, but golf can be very addicting, just like many other activities in life. The more important something is in our life, the more addicting it becomes and when we don’t perform the way we want or get what we want we suffer. That’s because we are rarely focused on what’s in front of us and instead bring our attention to the past or future. “I wish I hadn’t just hit that bad shot.” “I played better yesterday, what’s wrong with me today?”

To live and play in the moment means to focus only on the task at hand, completely free of past mistakes so that the future remains unwritten. This is difficult at best because our minds are constantly active: commenting, speculating, judging, wishing, hoping, comparing, and imagining. Only a very few of our thoughts pertain to the actual task at hand, and then our mind interprets it in terms of the past or future. When we are not focused on the task at hand, we suffer. We suffer because we do not have what we want, whether it’s love, money (or the things money can buy), social standing, career, or just wanting to play better golf. Suffering induces stress-like symptoms that ruin our game or life. The more we suffer, the greater the stress. The more stress we experience, the worse we perform on any task.

People fail to live in the present for many reasons. We lead very complex lives and play may roles throughout the day. We are parents (grandparents, sons, daughters,), spouses or significant others, friends, employees (employers) students – you get the picture. Each of these roles adds responsibilities to our lives. Is it any wonder that we are capable of nearly 100,000 thoughts a day? Is it any wonder we have trouble remaining focused on whatever task we are involved in? The ability to multi-task is considered advantageous in today’s hectic world. It is not beneficial to golf performance or our mental health. The more we try to do at one time, the more we think. This continues until it becomes a pattern that is difficult to break. Also, the more we think, the more our eyes move. In golf or in most other sports that spells disaster.

Because of our complex lives it’s easy to allow our attention to wander to the other roles we play when involved in any task. Very few people discipline themselves to control their thoughts so their minds don’t wander. That’s why it’s difficult to read a page of text without having to go back and re-read it to remember what we read. Our minds were elsewhere. If you are a student this can make it difficult to study for exams. Parents please don’t try to get your children to multi-task, not if you want them to be successful in school.

Even if our mind doesn’t wander to life’s other responsibilities but to thoughts of past mistakes or failures or future fears and/or expectations, our performance is affected in any activity. Because we don’t start out as masters of any activity we become involved in we experience far more mistakes and failures than we do successes. As a result, our performance histories are clouded with numerous mistakes and failures, and it’s these events that we remember.

Life is a learning process. Learning implies mistakes. We make many mistakes and fail far more often than we succeed when learning anything new. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes; it is natural and says nothing about our ability to learn or develop skill. Unfortunately, society has deemed mistakes as unacceptable, so it’s only natural to develop an aversion to making mistakes, regardless of our level of experience, and we become embarrassed when we make mistakes. Because our culture has no patience for mistakes in golf, or any other activity for that matter, we want everything yesterday and if we don’t succeed quickly, something must be wrong with us. This includes our participation in an utterly complex and completely unnatural sport like golf. What do you become embarrassed at when you make mistakes?

Let me share an example of the disdain for making mistakes our culture perpetuates. I have coached hundreds of beginners whose only mission was not to be embarrassed by their golf performance. While this seems natural and innocuous at first glance, the harm it causes is immense. What have we done to people for them to think that they are an embarrassment if they make mistakes, no matter how big or small, in an activity in which they have absolutely no experience? This fear of embarrassment (failure) is with us before we ever pick up a golf club and stays with us throughout our golfing careers. Even though they gain skill and may eliminate the mistakes that embarrass them early in the learning process, some golfers never relinquish their fear of embarrassment. Any mistake is determined to be embarrassing. But embarrassment is a choice. No commandment states, “Thou shall be embarrassed if thou makes a mistake.” If you consider certain mistakes signs of poor performance, then you may experience the fear of being embarrassed if you make those mistakes in front of others. Fear is debilitating. Fear is limiting. Fear is self-defeating. Fear induces stress-like symptoms that interfere with your ability to focus and perform or just live life.

All fear takes you out of the moment, interferes with your performance in all important activities, causing you to suffer, inducing stress, which leads to more mistakes and even greater fear. Because of your past history fear may have become a habit that overpowers your experiences. However, each time it’s experienced it’s a choice. I choose to fear or I choose not to fear. Ignoring, repressing, or suppressing your fears does not cause them to go away. You now have tools that can help you overcome your fear and end your stress; The Breath of Life and Attitude Adjustment Routine. Breathe. Change your attitude. And learn to live without fear and without stress destroying your life.